story of ctrl + alt + delSunday, February 11, 2007
for those faithful readers, you would notice that this is a recycled entry from my old blog. it's too good an article to chuck it somewhere in the old archive so here goes:
ctrl + alt + del = shut down
the story of CTRL
slowly but definitely. silently but unfortunately. the bare essence of control is slipping away from my vice-like grip. for a individual that prides himself for his composure, his flexible, astute and sagacious thinking, this is equivalent to a forceful punch,coupled with menancing knuckle-duster, on his fragile torso. This is almost akin to a fatal thrust that leaves a deep gash that even time couldn't simply erase nor eradicate. and all this, is the exact unequivocal pain that i'm feeling. the feeling that doesn't usually occurs but nonetheless difficult to avoid. There is no escape. I'm sure that many other individuals would have felt the same excruciating suffering, the tribulation of being helpless or even hopeless. As quick as required of a swirl of the conical flask in titration, i have suddenly found myself casted into an atramentous, shadowy, and clouded world, a unchartered territory. this isn't really unexpected. In other words, I had forecasted it based on my limited knowledge. As this murky future charges towards me like a bull charging towards his gladiator, all that I'm doing is cowering like a loser, accepting the certain fate that awaits, beckons and belongs to me.
the story of ALT
life is concrete. Strong, hard, and difficult to destroy. Yet its fragile in the face of violent nature; helplessly rooted to a building as a class 5 hurricane approaches with a sickening spin. as i alternate between my present and my past, i can't help but reflect on the wide differentials and sharp turning points of my life. If my complicated life could be plotted in similary ways of a overly-simplified function graph, there would no doubt as to the no. of turning points. past mistakes are forgotten, committed, and regretted. Yet this causal nexus repeats itself all over again akin to vicious cycle, and i find myself back to ground 0 or rather catch-22. a lose-lose situation arising from the failure to accept mistakes, the failure to learn from mistakes, the failure of being a failure. swearing no longer works. promises are just weaves of poorly-patched lies concealing a explicit truth. and this truth will continue to plague me like a scourge until it makes or breaks me.
the story of DEL
life sucks now. it sucks energy, enthusiasm and time off my youthful spirit. until i am left with a hollow shell to cover my truly ugly nakedness, and to lie in eternity without any ounce of strength as to make a struggle. all this to happen after fighting for every second, making every effort or action,... this is such a waste. if people could know his/her sorry fate the moment a sperm successfully destroys the protective protein coating and invades into the egg, many would have chosen to forfeit their life to save the trouble. Just this once, i wish that i could delete my life and be reborn. Or to delete the unpleasant memories. But wish only exists in the most far-fetched, improbable or outlandish Marchen, specially written for weaklings and nerds. and this, i do not belong.
so when the story of CTRL, the story of ALT and the story of DEL intersects at a common point, life comes to abrupt halt; like in a computer; with a click, it shuts down. with a slash, life shuts down. :/
